back at work :(

I am back at work now - day three. It seems like 4 months just flew by. My emotional state is ok during the day, but when I get home I get super sad. It really sucks that if I'm lucky I get 3 hours a day with him, and much of that time is spend by him nursing. I am trying to arrange leaving work 30 minutes early so I can leave at 6, which will help us stick to getting him to bed at 8pm.

I am pumping during the day and that REALLY stinks. I'm just not getting much out of the pump. Day 2 was better than day 1, ie: more milk, but it's still not enough....plus I need to pump 4 times a day, 5 would be awesome - and for a 20 minute session each time + set up, it's nearly 2 hours out of my day. I feel guilty about that - which I need to get over. It's just a lot of time when I am trying to catch up on work and get up to speed. I really hope I get more mik soon. I bought fenugreek drops and mother's milk tea, so hopefully I will see a result from that. Thing is, I only have 2 letdowns during a 20 minute session...and my son normally breastfeeds for an hour! I feel like I might need to call a lactation consultant to try to gt him to eat more efficiently before I will pump more efficiently, but who knows. Either way, I'm trying not to stress about it since that would cause me to make even less milk! Any tips?

anger management

I have found myself to be super angry and grumpy lately. It's not all the time, it's just that something can VERY easily set me off. I am not sure if it's hormones, or some sort of pregnancy depression. I am going to ask my doctor about it on thursday and hopefully she will be helpful, but it's really angering me..haha. It's probably not easy on my husband either - in fact, he surely sees the worst of it. There are times/days he really needs to tiptoe around me and I feel bad for him. Anything can start me crying and curling up into a ball and sobbing myself to sleep. That's happened a handful of times, but when it does, it really really sucks. I start being mad at whatever has set me off, and then I tear up, and then I just feel sorry for myself - and feeling kind of alone. It's times like this that make me feel like a kid, and I literally want my mommy. My parents being SO far away is usually a big source of my tears and even typing this is making me feel verklempt.

I hope to remedy these grumps by altering the things that are making me sad. My on and off hatred for New York has been ON and at a maximum, so I am going to alter my route home to avoid the crowds on Bedford avenue, and instead have a quiet, leisurley walk home. I am going to take it slower and take more deep breaths and realize that I don't need to be first off the subway. I am going to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier, and that will make me less tired and less rushed in the morning. I am going to work with headphones on more often to avoid the annoyance of some coworkers, and I am just generally going to try to relax. Maybe I'll even consider another relaxing activity such as more prenatal yoga or swimming. My husband will be away for much of this week and hopefully when he returns I'll have chilled out and become more of a positive person. I don't like feeling the anger, as I don't want it to influence or impact the baby. I don't want it to come out sad and depressed! Serenity now!!!!!!

emotional rescue

Last week, I was kind of a mess. It was weird. I was just in a crappy mood all week. It was totally pregnancy emotions - bigtime downers, things would just set me off on a neverending crying spree. I cried for about an hour over a bagel. There was another crying spell over a lame dinner I had to go to and it's lameness. It's weird. I sit there crying, knowing I'm crying over something ridiculous, but I just can't stop. It starts with the silly thing, and then escalades into me feeling sorry for myself for various reasons. Again, I blame the lack of sleep. SO..I think I am out of this funk, and I have no lame dinners to go to this week, in fact not many plans at all which is wonderful. I plan on relaxing, maybe FINALLY getting around to prenatal yoga, and most importantly - going to bed early!